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Mental load
Imagine that you’ve finished work for the day, and you go out for a jog to clear your head. But you’ve barely run the first few metres and already it feels like a thousand thoughts are buzzing around inside your head. Have I done all the shopping for dinner, or is there anything I still need? What lunch should I take to work tomorrow? Will today’s food warmed up be enough, or should I get something else as well? Oh: it’s a good friend’s birthday at the weekend and I need to get a gift. What would she like? And I wanted to go and see my mother (I wonder how she is?), so do I have the time to go shopping? And I promised the neighbour I’d feed the cat! Is anything else pending? Have I forgotten anything?
Your head pounds, even though you went for your run because you wanted to clear it. Does this sound familiar? It's called mental load.
What is mental load?
Our brains are working constantly. As we wake up, our first thoughts are already shooting through our heads, and they only seem to take a break when we have fallen asleep again. We do a great deal of brain work in our daily lives. And precisely this brain work can make us stressed. We talk about mental load in such cases. Mental load means you feel you have an infinitely long to-do list in your head. You’re always thinking about everything and you feel that you have to think of everything. This to-do list is just one feature of mental load, because if it were only a list, you would eventually make your way through it and could relax again. So it’s not just about what you have to do like «do the weekly shop», but also about the total brain work associated with it. Then there are the other features, such as monitoring and anticipating the needs of others. What do the people around me want? What does my child need? Is this feasible? Is it the best option? Who will step up for me when I’m ill? What would I like? What good can I do for myself? When will I have the time? Furthermore, we have to make hundreds of small decisions daily, finish tasks or delegate them, or evaluate situations. How does our financial situation look? Can I buy this and that, or not? Should I cook this evening, or not? Who will do the laundry? Do I have the time to go shopping and clean the flat? Who is thinking about planning the little one’s birthday? And as if all that weren’t enough, every day we do a great deal of emotional work. We modulate our own feelings and those of others. If, for example, we are totally stressed and irritated, we don’t want to take these feelings out on our partner, but try to control them instead. Or when the children are stroppy and hungry, we likewise try to absorb these emotions and manage the situation well – regardless of how we feel ourselves. That costs us a lot of energy.
Mental load is not only an issue in families, but particularly when there are children, the mental load seems only to get heavier. You always want to do everything right, have time for everything and think of everything, over the long term too.
«Mental load is a women’s thing.» Have you heard this before? What do you think?
Is mental load a women’s thing?
Yes and no. Although women complain of mental load more frequently, it is not just a women’s thing. Men can be affected in equal measure. So why do women report it more often? This sex difference cannot be ascribed solely to biological sex, but also to gender socialisation. This means that women are more likely to feel responsible for invisible brain work, because this is what they were told as children, and this example was set for them. The role model of the woman who takes care of everything and thinks of everything – who does the care work – is still prevalent in our society.
Why can mental load be negative?
Mental load is invisible. It happens within an individual and results in a large amount of unpaid, sometimes even physical work. Mental load is unlimited. It can take place anywhere, at any time. You take it to work with you, it accompanies you in your free time and it can even follow you when you fall asleep. It knows no boundaries. And finally, mental load is long-lasting. It is never over. You worry about the needs and feelings of loved ones and you plan, organise, think etc. to guarantee that everything runs smoothly – this is an ongoing process. Based on these characteristics, you can probably imagine that mental load entails high stress and can have some negative effects. Mental load can be detrimental not only to family relationships, your relationship with your other half or with other people, but it can also negatively affect your physical and mental health.
What can I do to counteract it?
We have put together a few tips to help you and your partner to better handle your mental load.
Tips for single people
- Give the chaos in your head a form by writing down your thoughts, the things you have to do, etc. Evaluate them for importance and urgency (see the article on Balance) and consider whom they actually apply to. Do YOU really need to think of everything and do everything?
- Introspection: why do you feel you need to think of everything? Why are you so bad at delegating or handing over tasks, or even parts of tasks (including the thinking process)? What do YOU want? Where could you make changes, if need be?
- Talk about it. Tell someone about your stress.
- Ask yourself these questions: Must I really do that now?
- Must: is it necessary?
- I: can I delegate it?
- Now: can I postpone it?
- Really: can I just leave it?
Tips for couples / two people
- Together, create a list of all tasks. Talk about who is responsible for what and when things need to be done by. Then assign the whole process and the responsibility to the relevant person. An example: if your partner is responsible for doing the shopping, then the task does not just comprise the act of shopping, but also thinking about it and knowing what needs to be bought when and what for. The brain work and the actual work (act) should be done by the same person.
- Communication is essential. Decide together who will take on which tasks. Mutual respect is important. That’s why you should both find out whether the other person even knows what you think they should know and do. But always pay attention to your tone of voice when you talk together.
- Talk about your feelings. How are you both? What is stressing you out? The higher your emotional stability, the easier you will find it to deal with your mental load.
- Team meetings: regularly schedule time to talk about upcoming tasks. For example, agree to have a weekly team meeting to share out tasks and discuss them. What went well? What could you improve? Put certain things directly onto your agenda, so that you don’t forget anything and you can rely on each other. This way, you are not just deliberately making time for each other, but you can also see what the other person is doing. And don’t forget that you are team players!
- If you plan to start a family, talk about equality and division of labour well in advance. This will help you to prevent yourselves from slipping back into traditional roles after the child has been born.
If you would like to learn more about mental load, we recommend listening to theBeziehungskosmos podcast called «Mental Load».
References
AOK Gesundheitsmagazin. (2021, 1 December). Was ist Mental Load und warum sind meist Frauen betroffen? https://www.aok.de/pk/magazin/familie/eltern/mental-load-wie-unsichtbare-aufgaben-frauen-belasten/
Dean, L., Churchill, B., & Ruppanner, L. (2022). The mental load: building a deeper theoretical understanding of how cognitive and emotional labor over load women and mothers. Community, Work & Family, 25(1), 13-29. https://doi.org/10.1080/13668803.2021.2002813
Meyer, S. (2019, 21 August). Paare: Die Frau befiehlt, der Mann führt aus? Schweizer Radio und Fernsehen. https://www.srf.ch/radio-srf-3/aktuell/mental-load-paare-die-frau-befiehlt-der-mann-fuehrt-aus
Knabenhans, A. (Host). (2022, 29 March). Mental Load reduzieren? Delegieren reicht nicht! [Audio-Podcast]. In Mal ehrlich. Any Working Mom. https://www.anyworkingmom.com/podcast/mental-load-reduzieren/
